my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
