I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
