Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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