My sheets look like a crime scene.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
