I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Blood and glitter go together right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
