I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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