the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
The best revenge is premature balding
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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