girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We need to get me chipped asap
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
