it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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