My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
