I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
