I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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