Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
