Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
