how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
