So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
