at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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