Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
a search helicopter?!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
