mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
