Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
