I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
