Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
