I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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