all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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