can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
