I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
