Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
