I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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