weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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