one word: firstdatebathroomanal
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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