At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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