I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
