I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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