Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
