so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
