You can't motorboat a personality
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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