Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
