if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
