When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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