I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
