walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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