This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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