Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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