Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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