i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
