How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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