i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
