Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
