dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
