You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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