I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
