Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
