Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
