Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
