I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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