everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
