and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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