I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
