whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
