one might say we're banned from that church
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
