Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I cut my penus on the lid.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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